This afternoon I had a very interesting conversation with one of my married guy friends. It started through email, regarding an upcoming visit to Chicago with his wife. In said email, he stated that he was going to "lobby for some man time." This is a foreign concept to me...why do you have to lobby for some time with your friends? Shouldn't you just be given time to do what you want? Is that what marriage is, having to ask permission to hang out with friends?
That doesn't make sense to me, though you may have a partner, does that take away from all your personal freedom? I understand that certain things are a no no, but hanging out with a friend, something as simple as that, does your significant other really have a say in that? (I understand if you have prior plans to do something else) To me, that is controlling and who wants to be in a controlling relationship? Shouldn't there be love and trust in a relationship? Won't resentment start to grow since you are putting your wants and needs aside for your partner? It should be a give and take in my opinion.
I know that all people and relationships are different, and that I also am not the typical female. In my relationships, I have always encouraged my guy to go out with his friends, because I want my girl time. It it normal for people to ask their significant other if they can do something? Is that why my past relationships have failed?
I think that marriage is a balance, I get that you shouldn't go wild and crazy, and that sometimes, you can't always get to do what you want. I'm not completely naive to the concept of a relationship...I realized that I have ill and negative feelings toward marriage right now. I don't think that I am bitter, more so just a realist. I question if the whole concept of marriage is even possible...seeing the marriages of both of my sister's fall apart has surely added to this.
I still want to hold on to the belief that two people can meet, fall in love, and continue to love each other day after day, year after year no matter what. I do still want to believe in the art of compromise and sacrifice to make a marriage work. I really do want to believe that two people can be honest, loyal, and faithful to each other. With that in mind, I have decided to focus on keeping my eyes open to the possibility that does still exist...I will use my parents as a focal point. After 35 years of marriage they still love each other and love to be around each other. Sure they fought and will fight in the future, and they annoy each other, but through it all they have stayed at each other's side. If my parents can do it, then the possibility still exist and I will have to actively stop thinking negative thoughts towards marriage.
So, I guess it is not such a horrible thing to ask your significant other what's going on for the day...make sure that they don't need you to do anything for them, or have ill feelings towards you hanging with certain people or at certain places. More so just to be considerate of their feelings, and not for permission.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
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7 comments:
I like thought provoking posts like this a lot!
Its all about trust, you have to really trust each other. I wish I could fall in love with someone to where I wouldn't need to wander my eye!
Hey Dani, great post as usual
Val
This is a great post Dani. I never understood the concept of "lobbying" to your significant other for some friend time either. To me, you should want to spend time apart. It's healthy! I always thought that if you have lives outside of each other it makes your relationship stronger because you get to appreciate the time you have together. I think a lot of it boils down to insecurity as well. People who are completely insecure shouldn't be in a relationship because it tends to color everything. That's where I think friend time comes in- if your partner is restricting that time, it means they are insecure. So I agree with Mr. C.
I'm also incredibly commitment phobic right now so I understand the war between being scared and still wanting to believe that there is love out there.
Great post!
Great post Dani!
My boyfriend and I are not married, but we have been dating for something like 6 years and have lived together for more than 3. We have one of those relationships you talk about, based on mutual trust and respect. I do what I want, and he does what he wants, but we are considerate to one another. We inform each other of our plans, not ask permission. The only "rule" that he has for me is that I don't leave for more than 3 months consecutively without bringing him along. That seems fair.
I don't think you should have to "lobby" to spend time with your friends. For me, I know my husband will say he wants man time because we often are home alone together. When he says he wants the guys to come over, I usually just retreat to the office and do my homework/paperwork/research and he's in the living room with the boys. And when I go for pedis with the girls, he's totally fine with it.
I think sometimes guys like to tease the girls they're dating about "I need man time" and others genuinely mean it!
Hey! I found you on 20sb.net and am loving your blog so far!
I wish I could fall in love with someone to where I wouldn't need to wander my eye!
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