Emotional Spill...to be blamed on the weather

It is crazy how much has changed in a year. I’m not sure where to start. Last year I was engaged; wedding date was to be May 30, 2009. It was around this time last year that the break up occurred. It was a rough break up. The ex and I had lived together for close to 2 years. When we had first starting dating, and he was slowing moving in, he would say “I have 51% ownership, so if we break up it’s mine.” Of course it was funny back in the day, but when it was happening, and he was taking all of his 51% ownership items…not so fun.

It was heartbreaking for me to see him go; I did love him. He is a great person, generous, fun, hard working, etc…he was my (boy) best friend (no one can replace Mary). I knew that being with him forever would not work out in forever land. Though the decisions that I made prior to the break up were not the best course of action, and I knew it was not right for us to be together, but it was still hard for me to accept the failed relationship. For a while, I tried to make things work…begged him to come back. I was scared, alone, and he is all that I knew.

Craziness occurred and I am thankful that it did. It helped me to clearly see that it was not written in the stars for us to be together. Not that it made it any easier…it took me months of crying to really start believing that it would be ok. I’m a private person; only when it comes to emotional issues that greatly weigh on me. On the outside- I played it off as if all was well. That I finally had a chance to be on my own and I loved being free of the ex. Then, I would go home and finally be me. I would cry for hours on end. I couldn’t be away from home for too long because I needed my time to break down and cry. I would go from one extreme to the next…not eating to eating mounds of chocolate and greasy food. Swearing off all men to dating a 45 year old man. It was hard for me to sit still, hard for me to concentrate at work, hard to be around my family and friends. I obviously did a good job in fooling them…Now, since it no longer holds that same emotional significance, I can talk about it freely.

It has come up, since my sister is going through it. She and her hubby are going getting divorced. She, unlike me is able to talk about her feelings. She is suffering and I’m attempting to help her through it. I know what it feels like (maybe not on the same level, since they are married), but I get it. She is surprised that I felt they way I did about the ex. Her exact words: “I had no idea.” Of course she didn’t because I made sure that no one knew.

Our family dynamics have surely changed. My parents are sad, my mother wondering what she did wrong, crying, yelling, and displacing blame. It is taking a toll on me; I try to act like it doesn’t affect me, try to be strong for my sisters. Tell them that things will get better, that in the long run they will be better off. I wish that I had better answers for them, but I don’t. Love hurts and love is blind. I often wonder if it’s worth the risk…loving someone fully with your everything knowing that, chances are, it won’t last. That all you have built together will come crashing down.

This is depressing…damn the weather. Yesterday it was Spring- today Winter has made a return.