26.5

Today is my half birthday...I know that normal people do not celebrate a half birthday, but I do. Half birthdays are important!!!

This is a good time for me to review my life...

I think that I have been going through a rut of some sorts. I've worked in Insurance since I graduated college., freaking 5 years ago...Oh man I feel old. I've been out of college for 5 years...college is a distance memory at this point.

Insurance was never even something that I imagined to be doing in all my life. I was suckered into and have not gotten out. I know that it is not my life passion, it not a career to me, it's just a job. I want more in terms of a professional life. I have thought about going back to school and I think that is the direction that I should really go in.

When I was younger I always wanted to help people. I knew since high school that I loved psychology and that I wanted to work in the field. It was one of my majors in college and I really had all intentions of pursuing a career in it. Until I got suckered into criminal justice....then thoughts of law school. Working so close with attorneys, I know that is not what I want.

I guess that I am scared to make a move. I'm used to my job, used to all the time that I have. I feel as if I've become complacent. That is exactly what as happened. I don't really have any challenges in my life. It is easy, comfortable, and consistent. Changes are hard, and scary. I could just stay in the same place, continue to work in Insurance, but is that what I really want?

If I want a better life, I need to take charge and take steps in order to ensure that I achieve all that I want...then part of me starts to think ...what if I just keep at it for a few more years? Then, at that point hopefully I'll be getting married and possibly having a baby. I want to have kids, and I want to raise them. I'm a strong believer in raising my own future children...not a day care.

I've told some friends and family members that I want to be a stay at home mom...I never knew that was such a horrible thing, until I started talking about it. They look down on me, don't understand why I would "just" want to be a stay a home mom. How I would want more...what if I really don't? Would that make me a bad person?

I don't think that I could be a stay at home mom if a. I never have a child or b. when said future children are in school....therefore...I need something to fall back on. Hence why I really think that I need to go back to school in order not to be stuck in the Insurance Industry forever.

Next on the list...

Relationships...I have noticed that I continue in the same patterns over and over again. You would think that at some point I would finally get it, but, as of yet- I still haven't found it. What "it" is, I'm still not sure.

Funny how this time last year I was still engaged. That seems like a lifetime ago. Granted that a few days from today last year I would no longer be engaged. I know that I am better off now compared to last year. I was not ready to be engaged then, and I'm even farther away from being ready today. I still have too much to learn and much more living to do.

I don't think that I'm in a bad place as far as relationships go. I think that I'm indecisive though. I think that I just want/expect more from a relationship. Not to the point of living together, but maybe more of a comment? Want to be more of a priority. I keep going back and forth on what I think I want...so currently I'm just not sure; I hope at some point, I can fianlly figure it out.

Along with everything else in my life...above all, I just want to be a good person. I want to be happy with myself and the choices that I make.