Happy New Year!!!

Good bye to 2009. I wish you well, you will never be forgotten...

Dating Chronicles # 12, What the hell was I thinking?

June 2005, age 22

I think that we all have one person that we date in our lives that no matter how many times we think about about the relationship, it just makes no sense that you would have ever dated them...Meet Topher I met him on Myspace (bad), he had no money (real bad), he didn't have a car (very bad)...and, he was an ASSHOLE!!! No redeeming qualities what so ever.

I met him at a time in my life when I felt alone, sad, and desperate. James and I were done- I was looking for something totally different. All the red flags didn't mean anything to me, I just wanted someone.

This guy made me more depressed than I was to begin with. He would say mean things to me- such as: "I can't believe you dated black guys, girls that date black guys are so trashy." He would tell me I was stupid, and I actually believed him at a point.

I knew that this was turning bad when he yelled at me for 45 min about not believing that it took me 40 min to drive home...hell it's Chicago and there is traffic. It doesn't matter that id is less than 10 miles away.

I finally couldn't take it anymore...we got into a fight and I got out of the car- that was pretty much the end of it. It last way too long (3-4 months maybe). And I regretted (for a long time) not cheating on him. I know that sounds super shady, but somewhere in the middle of being with him- James came back into town...still trying for us to work it out. I remember being in this hotel room- pushed up against the wall- pushing him off of me because I had a boyfriend now.

I remember that moment as if it was yesterday...until I found out that James was actually with his now wife at the time- I thought that could of gotten us back together...ha. Needless to say, I no longer regret it!

I was young and stupid and had horrible taste in guys...

Is love a lie?

Realization

It was never you, never meant to be you. You are not the exception; you were never the “one.”

Sadness

The feeling of being empty, alone, walls caving in, your heart dropping, a waterfall of tears, all the time wasted, hoping, thinking, wishing, and at some points praying.

Anger

At yourself, for being fooled, being taken advantage of, played and pushed aside.

Healing

Backing away, halting all communication, moving on, forgiveness.

I can't wait till the 12th of December

December 12, 2009 12Pm I will be taking my final test for the AIC certification. I can't wait until it is done and over with. I will finally be free again. I have this long list of stuff I would like to do but haven't be able to because I need to be studying instead. It makes me feel guilty to do other things, knowing that I should be at home studying for this test.

I am leaving for AZ tomorrow (planned before the test was) for a weekend trip with my sisters!!! We are going to visit my cousin for her birthday celebration...her sister and best friend will be there too. I'm sooo excited!!! This is sadly going to be my fist time going to AZ. It will be a fun filled weekend...I just feel horribly guilty that I'm not going to have much study time. I am planning on studying on the plane rides- so that is a good 6 hours (total- there and back).

Side note: I'm so annoyed with the media...I don't care about who is cheating on who- it is a personal matter people- would you want all of your business broad casted to the world? Probably not- so he cheated, what male athlete hasn't?